Have you ever run into conflict or confusion in a connection and couldn't figure out how to "clear the air?" Chances are that the communication in the connection or setting is unhealthy in some way. Communication is important in all of our personal relationships and our communal connections because it helps us establish boundaries and recognize the other person's boundaries. Communicating is defined as an exchange information, news, or ideas. I am going to talk about the You, Me, and Us tactics of communication.
YOU
The 'You' method of communication is where we point out all of our partners shortcomings. This method of communicating is common in connections that are facing adversity. Often, we will attack our partner and call out their flaws when communicating because there is some part of our ego that doesn't want to see our own downfalls in the connection. By attacking our partner with the "you always, you did, you didn't, you never" phrases, you create a hostile communication environment. This causes the partner to become defensive. Now it is offense versus defense. The 'You' statements can make your partner feel like they are the sole problem in the connection. Try to avoid the 'You' statements. If there is an issue with something your partner does, try the "I feel" message. This is where you relay your emotions without making your partner feel attacked. You tell them how you feel without the aggression or blaming. Often this communicating style comes from unexpressed anger, disappointment or jealousy. It is important to acknowledge what emotion is the root of your trigger. Once you know where the emotion is coming from, you relay this to your partner without becoming the attacker.
EXAMPLES:
YOU: You never spend time with me!
I Feel: It hurts me when we don't spend time together. I would like us to spend more time together. Can we work on this? I know that you are a hard worker, but I need more time with you for our connection to remain stable.
YOU: You never listen to me! You are always too busy!
I Feel: I feel misunderstood by you. When we talk, I don't think we end up on the same page. I want more of your time and it seems like that is a problem between us. Can we talk and see where I am and where you are, mentally? I think clarity is needed for us both.
ME
ME> ME> ME> The 'Me' method of communicating is when you only concern yourself with your needs in the relationship. This can be hard to step away from because often times people have relationship trauma linked to our needs not being met. In the past, you may have experienced someone not fulfilling your needs or you were at point where you did not stand up for your needs. As a result, you over press your needs. When you're in a connection, you will tend to make sure your needs are met 100% without compromise. Your partner's needs for reassurance comes second to yours, at all times. To counteract this way of thinking, you will need to see your partner as your equal. You need to look at situations from the middle. What are your core values? What can be compromised? Practice the "I See You" Method. This is where we acknowledge that our partner may have a different opinion. Be sure not to take your partner's microphone or make them feel guilty for communicating their needs. When they are expressing how they feel, practice active listening. Allow them a voice and try not to turn their issue into an issue you have with them. This is their time to express themselves and their needs.
EXAMPLES:
ME: I want you to do everything that I want because if not, I will not be secure in this connection! It's my way or the highway! Why can't you just do what I say to make me feel better? I have standards, and you need to meet them right now!
I SEE YOU: I understand that you may not have the same triggers as myself. These are my core values, and I can't compromise these morals. I am willing to compromise anything else that you need in order for your needs to be met as well. Is there anything you would like me to compromise with you on?
Your Partner expresses concerns: "It hurts my feelings when you yell at me. I don't like how it feels when you speak to me that way. If we could communicate without screaming, it would be easier for me."
ME: That just how I am! This is how I talk, you're just too sensitive! You need to toughen up, you know I care.
I See You: I respect your core values and I will not violate your boundaries as I see how it affects you. I didn't mean to harm you with my words because I do care about you. How would you like me to communicate with you?
US
The US Method stands for U + Someone. This is where both of the partners understand that the relationship requires equal compromise. You each will express your desires for the connection and the core values of the connection. You will need to stand in your power and realize that your needs are important too. You do not need to be aggressive to get your needs met but come from a place of grace and love. You will need to remain open and receptive to constructive criticism and be open to giving it as well! Everything can't be sugar coated, uncomfortable conversations are needed. When you connect, make sure it is with someone who understands how to relay their own emotions in a healthy way. This person will need to be compassionate but firm with their boundaries. Every healthy connection need two honest lines of communication. The US method is used properly when you and your partner understand that its (You & Them) VS (The Problem) and not (You) VS (Them). This space of communication requires a safe space between the two parties. You and this person needs to feel comfortable expressing themselves without feeling guilty, ashamed, or belittled. This is a space where all emotions are welcome.
Healthy US Conversation:
U: I would like to talk to you about some things that have been bothering me. I realize that my experience of these events may differ from yours, but I would like to talk to you about it for clarity.
Someone: I am open to talking to you about it. Thank you for coming to me with your feelings. What's been bothering you?
U: When we were (here) and your said/did/didn't do (this), It made me feel like (this). I wanted to know what your perception of that was because in my eyes, I didn't like it.
Someone: I experienced it like (this). I didn't mean to offend you or make you feel that way. I will make sure to watch how I say these things to you. When you did (this), it triggered me to respond like (that). I will work on my response to situations similar to this. I don't want you to feel (this) way again.
U: I was unaware of that being a trigger for you. I'm glad I spoke to you about it. As long as you're willing to work on your response towards me, I will do my best not to trigger you in that way. Thank you for working on your response, it will make me feel more secure knowing you will not respond to me in this way again.
Someone: I appreciate you for allowing me the chance to voice my perspective of this situation. Thank you for understanding that this was a trigger for me. I appreciate your compassion towards me.
Queet's Advice:
By working together, we able to express individual viewpoints and get to the root of the issues that may arise. We are learning our partners every day and it is important we remember this! Your reception, compassion and grace are necessary to keeping the line of communication open. Work together to ensure both of your needs are met.
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